How about something like “I go into the pet shop. It smells like a room full of crammed hamsters destined to spend their short lives spinning on an orange wheel. A bag of bloated goldfish just waiting to be flushed down the toilet of some suburban household.”
Malls are so American! I liked reading this and took me back to my local mall I was dragged to as a kid. I usually hovered around the food court and Auntie Anne’s. 🥨
The more I read your inner thoughts the more I feel we are alike, Clancy.
I'm really enjoying these breakdowns. I have tried to refrain from being too aware of rules and clichés, or of what writers XYZ and do from a technical perspective, which means I probably fall into traps all too easily. In recent years I have started to read with a more discerning eye and think about why *I* enjoy a particular writer's prose and manner of storytelling. I think that's helped me a lot.
Starting a sentence with a conjunction? 🤷♂️ I dunno. Sometimes I feel it works. Sometimes I know what a conjunction even means.
Polysyndeton -- didn't know the technical term. I like these a lot. They can add punch and add texture to places where commas feel boring.
I think you're far more capable of writing beautiful prose!
But I should emphasize, I don't really think about these things when I write. It's when I go back in these retros that I've gotten curious about what my patterns are. Trying to observe from afar, as it were.
Do you think it's going to affect the way you write moving forward? As in, you'll have increased awareness of things and so potentially change the way your structure sentences?
I do this! polysyndeton — I never knew the name. Grammarly hits me with so many of these that I skip. I think it is a Hemingway thing I picked up. Sometimes it works with the rhythm and also emphasises the list in a different way.
Such a great series. Also, you sound more like Paul Auster every day. Are you sure you’re not him?
Loved this, again. I noticed my own habit of beginning sentences with a conjunction and it’s starting to drive me crazy when I catch myself doing it.
I saw somewhere where you said that you will plug your sentences into ChatGPT just to break down sentence structure and get an idea of how you’re building your sentences. Are there any other tools you use to do this, or to better understand what you’re doing grammatically? This is a part of my own writing that I want to tighten up a ton.
I think a lot of people do that nowadays. It's fine as long as you're aware of it.
I used to research my grammar pre-ChatGPT, but it was exhausting and usually wasn't sure what it yielded. ChatGPT (or even Bing Chat) is definitely the best. All LLMs are inherently good at objective grammatical breakdowns. Maybe not good at subjectively determining a good sentence or not, but it helps you be the judge of that.
I start by just trying to recognize "patterns" in my writing. I'm sure there are some patterns I don't even notice.
In fact, I could probably actually plug the WHOLE piece into an LLM and ask it what the patterns are. But then it would learn my secret sauce and soon everyone will be writing like Clancy Steadwell.
You could also use the Hemingway App like I mentioned or something like Grammarly, but I think those are probably inferior at this point.
Grammarly takes all that is personal, mistakes and quirks and turns them into one big grey thing. I think some grammatical errors have to be purged, others have to be cherished. The key is finding the balance. How? No idea.
Cool, I’ll have to start doing a little tinkering like this to see what works. More than anything I think I just need to get a little reeducated, it’s been a long time since I sat in an English class.
There is no good simile for the pet store smell. Pet store smell is a unique insult to the senses that can be recalled à la Proust by simply uttering the words “pet store smell”.
Unlike you, my endings write themselves. I know where I start, but being a “memoirist” of sorts, or a “ponderer of small things” I start with the thought and like to see where it leads me. It’s always a surprising destination.
Thanks Ana! Looking forward to your next piece. I like the quality of 'pondering small things'.
Maybe you're right about the pet store smell.
And interestingly, like I said in the post, this story was more true to real life, which was maybe why I didn't have the ending thought out in advance, so in that way, was more like your work as a memoirist.
I love this construction: "Sometimes you do need a new grey sweatshirt because one time you got oil from your Subway sandwich on it and it won’t come out, and besides it’s too small because you’ve been eating too many Subway sandwiches."
It's really not that common here to buy animals in a shop. Small mammals, fish, birds and reptiles yes but it's really not as common as it was 20 years ago. I thought the forever home sign was interesting. What is it about the mall that you hate the most? The consumerist culture? The bling? I've visited many a semi-abandoned mall in the US. I think you're telling us the forever home is not a good sign (excuse the pun) and could well be a lie.
The forever home sign I think is the narrator realizing that no one is going to buy them, even though they are for sale, if that makes sense? Or perhaps they are already “bought”.
When I first read the ending I thought, "He's just a little depressed." Considering the context of the whole story, humorous but isolated, alone amongst people (a 21st century hallmark). But then I thought, "Wait this guy is married (I think, unless Hammock is completely made up...?), this is a cute ending, he probably just got engaged!" But after reading this retro I guess not.
How about something like “I go into the pet shop. It smells like a room full of crammed hamsters destined to spend their short lives spinning on an orange wheel. A bag of bloated goldfish just waiting to be flushed down the toilet of some suburban household.”
On second thought, “it smells bad” is fine as is.
Infinitely better than mine, especially the hamsters on the wheel thing. That fits with the sort of anti-commercialism thing. Brilliant.
My question to you is why couldn’t you stumble into a Bath & Body Works (not to be confused with its ugly stepsister, Yankee Candle)?
Those are some smells we could work with.
Too likely to fall in love with the people who work at a B &BW at that time in my life, I think.
those warm vanilla sugar baddies will get you, every time.
"It smells bad." is perfect to me. We all know what that pet shop smells like, no embellishment needed.
I enjoyed the story and your postmortem of the writing! “it smells bad” really made me chuckle!
I’ve seen Napoleon Dynamite, what does that say about me?
Depends if you liked it or not, so what's the verdict???
I liked it, it was hilarious! My husband also has watched it multiple times 😂
You’re cool then!
Best dance scene ever!
'Canned Heat' is the song I believe, so good.
Yes! The funky band was Jamiroquai from London. Maybe 2000 or so? VOTE FOR PEDRO.
Malls are so American! I liked reading this and took me back to my local mall I was dragged to as a kid. I usually hovered around the food court and Auntie Anne’s. 🥨
Oh I should have definitely included an eating scene! I like a good Sbarro and Orange Julius.
The more I read your inner thoughts the more I feel we are alike, Clancy.
I'm really enjoying these breakdowns. I have tried to refrain from being too aware of rules and clichés, or of what writers XYZ and do from a technical perspective, which means I probably fall into traps all too easily. In recent years I have started to read with a more discerning eye and think about why *I* enjoy a particular writer's prose and manner of storytelling. I think that's helped me a lot.
Starting a sentence with a conjunction? 🤷♂️ I dunno. Sometimes I feel it works. Sometimes I know what a conjunction even means.
Polysyndeton -- didn't know the technical term. I like these a lot. They can add punch and add texture to places where commas feel boring.
I think you're far more capable of writing beautiful prose!
But I should emphasize, I don't really think about these things when I write. It's when I go back in these retros that I've gotten curious about what my patterns are. Trying to observe from afar, as it were.
Thanks for reading, as usual.
That's cool, I really like what you're doing.
Do you think it's going to affect the way you write moving forward? As in, you'll have increased awareness of things and so potentially change the way your structure sentences?
Not grammatically. Process wise, I am a little afraid that I will be writing the retro at the same time as the story, you know?
Heh, this is true.
Maybe your retros will eventually morph into a single line of:
"Yeah, so I really like this one. No comments or self-criticisms. It's a banger."
Cheek rippling shit got me.
I do this! polysyndeton — I never knew the name. Grammarly hits me with so many of these that I skip. I think it is a Hemingway thing I picked up. Sometimes it works with the rhythm and also emphasises the list in a different way.
Such a great series. Also, you sound more like Paul Auster every day. Are you sure you’re not him?
Thank you for reading Kate 🙏🏻
PS “is” should be italics - agreeing with your supposition.
Maybe I am 😎 although I doubt my writing is up to that quality.
I really need to read up on him.
You’re kindred spirits, I guess.
Loved this, again. I noticed my own habit of beginning sentences with a conjunction and it’s starting to drive me crazy when I catch myself doing it.
I saw somewhere where you said that you will plug your sentences into ChatGPT just to break down sentence structure and get an idea of how you’re building your sentences. Are there any other tools you use to do this, or to better understand what you’re doing grammatically? This is a part of my own writing that I want to tighten up a ton.
I think a lot of people do that nowadays. It's fine as long as you're aware of it.
I used to research my grammar pre-ChatGPT, but it was exhausting and usually wasn't sure what it yielded. ChatGPT (or even Bing Chat) is definitely the best. All LLMs are inherently good at objective grammatical breakdowns. Maybe not good at subjectively determining a good sentence or not, but it helps you be the judge of that.
I start by just trying to recognize "patterns" in my writing. I'm sure there are some patterns I don't even notice.
In fact, I could probably actually plug the WHOLE piece into an LLM and ask it what the patterns are. But then it would learn my secret sauce and soon everyone will be writing like Clancy Steadwell.
You could also use the Hemingway App like I mentioned or something like Grammarly, but I think those are probably inferior at this point.
Grammarly takes all that is personal, mistakes and quirks and turns them into one big grey thing. I think some grammatical errors have to be purged, others have to be cherished. The key is finding the balance. How? No idea.
Cool, I’ll have to start doing a little tinkering like this to see what works. More than anything I think I just need to get a little reeducated, it’s been a long time since I sat in an English class.
There is no good simile for the pet store smell. Pet store smell is a unique insult to the senses that can be recalled à la Proust by simply uttering the words “pet store smell”.
Unlike you, my endings write themselves. I know where I start, but being a “memoirist” of sorts, or a “ponderer of small things” I start with the thought and like to see where it leads me. It’s always a surprising destination.
Thanks for the post Clancy.
Thanks Ana! Looking forward to your next piece. I like the quality of 'pondering small things'.
Maybe you're right about the pet store smell.
And interestingly, like I said in the post, this story was more true to real life, which was maybe why I didn't have the ending thought out in advance, so in that way, was more like your work as a memoirist.
I love this construction: "Sometimes you do need a new grey sweatshirt because one time you got oil from your Subway sandwich on it and it won’t come out, and besides it’s too small because you’ve been eating too many Subway sandwiches."
Thanks for reading and noticing that Sharron, we all have that one sweatshirt. I liked that sentence as well!
It's really not that common here to buy animals in a shop. Small mammals, fish, birds and reptiles yes but it's really not as common as it was 20 years ago. I thought the forever home sign was interesting. What is it about the mall that you hate the most? The consumerist culture? The bling? I've visited many a semi-abandoned mall in the US. I think you're telling us the forever home is not a good sign (excuse the pun) and could well be a lie.
Thanks for reading Hannah!
I hate consumerism and commercialism the most.
The forever home sign I think is the narrator realizing that no one is going to buy them, even though they are for sale, if that makes sense? Or perhaps they are already “bought”.
When I first read the ending I thought, "He's just a little depressed." Considering the context of the whole story, humorous but isolated, alone amongst people (a 21st century hallmark). But then I thought, "Wait this guy is married (I think, unless Hammock is completely made up...?), this is a cute ending, he probably just got engaged!" But after reading this retro I guess not.